What am I going to do???

I truly thought this month was going to be an absolute success. Boy, did I turn out to be wrong… Life just keeps kicking me in the gut for some reason. All I can hope and pray about is that someday I will understand all of this and have a baby to show for it.

As you all know who have previously read my blog I had a pretty successful month as far as ovulating goes. I had all the “typical/normal” showings of positive ovulation. Then I began the terrible two-week wait. The wait seemed to go on and on this month since I was having so many pregnancy-like symptoms. I was a “Positive Patty” though and just knew that everything was going to work out.

Two weeks ago I began to experience major boob and nipple pain (TMI). I usually have no sensitivity in this area, so it was an extreme difference. Starting last Monday I began to have lots of visible veins in both my nipples and boobs. One vein even stretched from my collarbone to my nipple. It became very “National Geographic” at my house. I still was apprehensive about actually being pregnant since I had read that Prometrium side effects would sometimes mimic early pregnancy symptoms. By late that same night I began to have some very light pink spotting when wiping. Wes and I figured that it was my period starting and decided to just be happy that I had ovulated.

Since I am on Prometrium my doctor has me test for pregnancy two weeks following ovulation and then test again, if we get a negative, the next week. On Wednesday morning I took my first pregnancy test since the pink spotting had disappeared. The results were so faint that I was unsure that we were actually seeing a positive. I did as the box said and decided to wait 2-3 more days and test again. That afternoon we left for a little vacation to visit my in-laws and I continued to get more and more excited.

On Friday morning I awoke very early and took another pregnancy test. This time the test came up positive right away! Wes and I were beyond excited. I just knew that this time would be different. We were on the Prometrium and I actually felt pregnant this time! I also decided that since we had the miscarriage at 4-5 weeks last time that I would wait until our first ultrasound to announce it to the world. I was determined to be cautiously optimistic. Wes and I told only our parents so that at the very least we would have their support early on.

But like everything in my life-all good things must eventually come to an end. So here it is my second miscarriage story:

Monday morning I began spotting light pink. I knew then that something was wrong. Nothing is more scary than spotting when you are pregnant. Since I already had to go in and have blood work done I decided I would talk to someone while I was there. I was told not to worry unless I started bleeding, it became bright red in color, or if I started cramping. By Monday night I was still spotting only, but I began to cramp in my lower right side of my back.

Tuesday morning: My doctor’s office called concerned about my spotting and cramping. She said that it still might not be anything since there are some women who spot throughout the first trimester but because of my history she wanted to see me asap. I also got back my results from the blood work I had on Monday. My hCG was 154 and progesterone was 84. I had an ultrasound, meeting with Dr. Roberts, and blood work again. The ultrasound showed nothing: my uterine lining was extremely thick and the tech did not see any erosion; I had a small cyst on my left ovary, but the tech believed that was due to proper ovulation this month and said it was probably what was helping my progesterone be so high (no embryo or yolk sac could be seen due to early date).

When I met with Dr. Roberts she was so excited about my numbers. She performed an exam to see if she could find the source of the bleeding. She told me that if it was the cervix it would be an easy fix. Of course mine was not the easy fix; she stated the bleeding was coming from the right side of my uterus. Now the ultrasound had put my mind to rest a little, but when she said this, my mind began to work all over again. She told me that children make us patient—boy isn’t that the truth. I had blood work done to determine my blood type and a complete OB panel and was told to go home and rest and come back on Wednesday to have my hCG and progesterone ran again. If my hCG went down we knew I was losing the baby and if it went up any my doctor wanted to continue fighting for the baby. (I was told you want the number to go up by at least 66% every 48 hours for a healthy pregnancy.)

I already knew before the nurse called that the baby was gone…As a woman I believe you just know when things are wrong. My blood work from Wednesday came back hCG: 63.5 and Progesterone 35. Both numbers had dropped showing a definite miscarriage. I still cannot believe that I have had two consecutive miscarriages within 7 months! Although this one was not as much of a shock to the system it is causing me to lose my mind. I want to fight somebody! I am angry, sad, disappointed, confused, and above all else SCARED! What if I never have a baby! You are so hopeful after just one miscarriage, but after two in a row???

Since I have had two consecutive miscarriages (both at around 5 weeks pregnant) Wesley and I are meeting with Dr. Roberts to discuss our options for possible genetic testing, additional blood work, etc. Thank God my doctor is not one of those doctors who believe you should wait until you’ve had a third miscarriage! Pray that we find out something in the next couple of months, so we will know what to do. All I know is, I want a baby more now than I ever did.