What am I going to do???

I truly thought this month was going to be an absolute success. Boy, did I turn out to be wrong… Life just keeps kicking me in the gut for some reason. All I can hope and pray about is that someday I will understand all of this and have a baby to show for it.

As you all know who have previously read my blog I had a pretty successful month as far as ovulating goes. I had all the “typical/normal” showings of positive ovulation. Then I began the terrible two-week wait. The wait seemed to go on and on this month since I was having so many pregnancy-like symptoms. I was a “Positive Patty” though and just knew that everything was going to work out.

Two weeks ago I began to experience major boob and nipple pain (TMI). I usually have no sensitivity in this area, so it was an extreme difference. Starting last Monday I began to have lots of visible veins in both my nipples and boobs. One vein even stretched from my collarbone to my nipple. It became very “National Geographic” at my house. I still was apprehensive about actually being pregnant since I had read that Prometrium side effects would sometimes mimic early pregnancy symptoms. By late that same night I began to have some very light pink spotting when wiping. Wes and I figured that it was my period starting and decided to just be happy that I had ovulated.

Since I am on Prometrium my doctor has me test for pregnancy two weeks following ovulation and then test again, if we get a negative, the next week. On Wednesday morning I took my first pregnancy test since the pink spotting had disappeared. The results were so faint that I was unsure that we were actually seeing a positive. I did as the box said and decided to wait 2-3 more days and test again. That afternoon we left for a little vacation to visit my in-laws and I continued to get more and more excited.

On Friday morning I awoke very early and took another pregnancy test. This time the test came up positive right away! Wes and I were beyond excited. I just knew that this time would be different. We were on the Prometrium and I actually felt pregnant this time! I also decided that since we had the miscarriage at 4-5 weeks last time that I would wait until our first ultrasound to announce it to the world. I was determined to be cautiously optimistic. Wes and I told only our parents so that at the very least we would have their support early on.

But like everything in my life-all good things must eventually come to an end. So here it is my second miscarriage story:

Monday morning I began spotting light pink. I knew then that something was wrong. Nothing is more scary than spotting when you are pregnant. Since I already had to go in and have blood work done I decided I would talk to someone while I was there. I was told not to worry unless I started bleeding, it became bright red in color, or if I started cramping. By Monday night I was still spotting only, but I began to cramp in my lower right side of my back.

Tuesday morning: My doctor’s office called concerned about my spotting and cramping. She said that it still might not be anything since there are some women who spot throughout the first trimester but because of my history she wanted to see me asap. I also got back my results from the blood work I had on Monday. My hCG was 154 and progesterone was 84. I had an ultrasound, meeting with Dr. Roberts, and blood work again. The ultrasound showed nothing: my uterine lining was extremely thick and the tech did not see any erosion; I had a small cyst on my left ovary, but the tech believed that was due to proper ovulation this month and said it was probably what was helping my progesterone be so high (no embryo or yolk sac could be seen due to early date).

When I met with Dr. Roberts she was so excited about my numbers. She performed an exam to see if she could find the source of the bleeding. She told me that if it was the cervix it would be an easy fix. Of course mine was not the easy fix; she stated the bleeding was coming from the right side of my uterus. Now the ultrasound had put my mind to rest a little, but when she said this, my mind began to work all over again. She told me that children make us patient—boy isn’t that the truth. I had blood work done to determine my blood type and a complete OB panel and was told to go home and rest and come back on Wednesday to have my hCG and progesterone ran again. If my hCG went down we knew I was losing the baby and if it went up any my doctor wanted to continue fighting for the baby. (I was told you want the number to go up by at least 66% every 48 hours for a healthy pregnancy.)

I already knew before the nurse called that the baby was gone…As a woman I believe you just know when things are wrong. My blood work from Wednesday came back hCG: 63.5 and Progesterone 35. Both numbers had dropped showing a definite miscarriage. I still cannot believe that I have had two consecutive miscarriages within 7 months! Although this one was not as much of a shock to the system it is causing me to lose my mind. I want to fight somebody! I am angry, sad, disappointed, confused, and above all else SCARED! What if I never have a baby! You are so hopeful after just one miscarriage, but after two in a row???

Since I have had two consecutive miscarriages (both at around 5 weeks pregnant) Wesley and I are meeting with Dr. Roberts to discuss our options for possible genetic testing, additional blood work, etc. Thank God my doctor is not one of those doctors who believe you should wait until you’ve had a third miscarriage! Pray that we find out something in the next couple of months, so we will know what to do. All I know is, I want a baby more now than I ever did.

A Much Needed Attitude Change...

So, I finally have evaluated what has become of my life lately...and decided that I officially need an attitude change. I have been so wrapped up in trying to become pregnant that I have begun to neglect both those around me and myself. I have realized that I am not helping myself any by being a total control-freak and worrying all the time.

After being frazzled all week long about the wait-time for testing for pregnancy, I decided it was time for a change. I decided officially that from now on I am going to stay positive! I want to enjoy this time with my husband. I need to remember that I am so blessed. I have a wonderful husband, great family, and a good life. This is not to say that I will never have another "bad" day, but I am going to strive from now on to enjoy my life as it is NOW. I have peace now that Wesley and I will become parents sometime in the near future. I also finally realize that I can not control when this happens so I need to be patient with the process and leave it in God's hands.

I mean, honestly, even if there is totally perfect circumstances when trying to become pregnant you still only have a 20% chance of achieving it any one month...so what's the point of worrying. Worrying will only cause more stress which in turn may keep me from having a healthy pregnancy. So no more worrying either...My body is finally doing what it should be doing so let's just enjoy that for the moment. The other will fall into place when it is suppose to.

So to all those out there struggling with things: Keep your head up!!! Like I said before, enjoy who you are and what you have NOW and don't dwell on what you don't have. I am going to try my hardest to live by this from this day forward...

Drum Roll Please...

I got the BEST news yesterday. I went in for my monthly blood test on Tuesday. Yesterday my nurse called with the results. As she began to talk to me I found myself starting to get incredibly nervous. Even though I knew in my heart that I had in fact ovulated this month, I still found myself being terrified that she would tell me that my progesterone was ridiculously low again. I even think I held my breath the whole time she was saying, "and the progesterone came back as..." Then she paused and I thought I was going to DIE!!! She said, "27". I started saying, "What, What?" The nurse said did you not hear me? I told her that I did, but that I was in absolute shock. I mean, the highest my progesterone has been since we started all of this was a 6.4. Even when I was pregnant it was only a 10.

All month I had told Wes that I was shooting for a 10 (since this is the level the doctor wanted to see me at), but here I had a 27! I was so excited and I still am. I am riding on a high right now and am hoping and praying that this is just the start of the good news. The nurse advised that if we were in fact pregnant this month that I was already starting off at a very good progesterone level and to continue doing exactly what I am doing now. (For a "successful" pregnancy doctors want progesterone level above a 20 generally)

So here's to praying for more good news VERY SOON!!!

Waiting and Prometrium Pains

So the dreaded two week wait goes on...and on...and on...and on!!! All of you who know me best know that patience is definitely not my virtue. I lack patience in almost every instance of my life. And not only do I lack patience, but I also am a HUGE control-freak. The two week wait after ovulation is not helping either of these things become easier to control.

I know, I know, I only have another full week left before I can test or ugh the dreaded period starts again, but the waiting is killing me this month. I think it is tougher this month because I actually know that for the first time since I had my miscarriage I ovulated. I told myself all month that I was going to stay positive and not be bummed if we didn't get pregnant this month. I was going to simply celebrate the fact that my body is finally doing what it is suppose to do each month (ovulate). I had all the crazy cervical mucus and everything!!! But, who am I kidding? I am chomping at the bit here. I want to know NOW!!!

I went for my monthly progesterone blood test today and will hopefully get the results tomorrow. I am hoping for a progesterone level that is out of this world. Or at least a 10!!! I keep telling myself that even if they seem low to everyone else, I know I ovulated this month. Maybe I am one of those people who's "normal" progesterone level is low.

On to the Prometrium pains...

I will start off by saying I will do ANYTHING to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. Including suffering through all the nasty side effects of taking Prometrium. One of the main complaints I have regarding the Prometrium is the fact that the side-effects of the drug are the same as the signs of early pregnancy. This makes me crazy...I don't know if I'm pregnant or if its just side effects...ugh. If you have a queasy stomach or do not want to know my personal junk please stop reading here.

First of all, there is the dizziness and exhaustion. For two hours after taking the prometrium I feel completely drunk and "off my rocker". I also have started to be sooooo tired and exhausted the past couple of days. No matter how much I sleep or lay around I still feel tired. And that is just the beginning. My nipples and boobs feel like they are on fire most of the time. I cannot stand to hardly wear a bra much less a shirt. If anything rubs them I want to fight somebody. My nipples are also about double the size they normally are and are chapped like you wouldn't believe. On Sunday, my husband was like "Whoa your nipples are HUGE!" I think that might have scared him a little. (no surprise there, cause they scare me a little). This pain and discomfort is the same I had right after I had the miscarriage, but I've also read it could just be a side effect of the prometrium. I started having some lower back cramps like a period today and boy are they irritating too. Plus, there is all this unpleasant cervical mucus all day every day. I swear I would not be complaining about any of this if I just KNEW...Pregnant or Not Pregnant??? This is the question on my mind every minute of every day of every month!!!

I think getting Pregnant is my new obsession....

Family, food, fun, and of course FIREWORKS!!!

To celebrate July 4th this year the family loaded up and traveled to Chad's house. We had lots of food, fun, and fireworks. The night started off with hotdogs grilled over the fire and lots of homemade yummies. There was many games of pool and then some GREAT fireworks!!! (I LOVE fireworks) The night ended with smores over the fire. It was a great night and I can't wait to do it again soon!!!

Khade with his animal crackers

Riding the 4wheeler with Josh

"You shall not pass"

Playing with the water hose with Chad

Jumping as usual

Sparklers with Wes

Lounging while watching everyone play Pool

Wes making some yummy smores

...and all you need after some good fireworks is a tube of Pringles

Fun in the Sun

Yesterday, Pops and I traveled down to the big city of Riceville to spend the day with Khade and Brandy. As you can see by the pictures, we decided to play in the water. We had lots of fun even though it was a little windy and Khade thought it was way to cold to be playing in the water. He was all Pop's!!! He wanted to sit with Pops, play with Pops, and even fell asleep in Pop's arms.

Khade trying to decide if swimming is a good idea or not

Jumping

Sweet baby

Sweet baby with Pops

Running through the sprinkler

Save me Pops!!!

Revenge is fun!